The Cat is Under the Table

She haunts my dreams, this cat. She obsesses my waking hours. She consumes my thoughts. Who is this cat? Why is she under the table? Does she simply vant to be alone, or is she up to something much, much more sinister. I need to know. "The cat is under the table" the voice drones. "Die Katze is unter den tisch." "Die Katze is unter den tisch." "Die Katze is unter..." But I digress.

We're going to Germany in a couple of months. I've bought some learn-German-in-90-days software. So far I've learned how to say great things like "The dog is in the airplane", "The girl is running" and "The boy is on the horse." Money well spent, nicht?

I keep wondering when I'll get to the really useful things. Things I'll actually use. Important things. Things like "The strudel tastes like ass. Please refund my money", "Thank you, but I do not wish to view your scheiße video.", "I would like to procure a blow-job please." and "I'm sorry Officer, my German is very bad. What I really meant to say was: 'the cat is under the table'."

What do you think would happen if I walked up to a Berliner, with a big grin on my face, hand extended and said "Die Katze is unter den tisch?" Would they back away slowly, smiling and nodding, frightened, trying not to excite me? Would they pat my head and smile patronizingly, thinking "it's nice we leave people like this in our country." Or would they nod solemnly, recognizing me as one of their own, a member of the cabal, and let me in on the secret? The secret about what that damn cat is really up to. But I digress.